The ‘essential difference’ between men and women: or why it’s not our brains we should be focusing on. With help from Kate Bush, Ólöf Arnalds and 10 Finnish social workers!
Date posted: Saturday 12th September 2015
Britain, 1985: Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government has a stranglehold on power. The Miners’ Strike is over and the Left are licking their wounds and preparing for what they hope will be a ‘big push’, to retain hard-fought-for rights and to save jobs and welfare benefits.
London, 1985: ‘Red’ Ken Livingstone is at the helm of the Greater London Council, and seems hell-bent on provoking Maggie Thatcher, through his support for a wide range of radical groups and actions.
Morrissey, with ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone, and Mari Wilson
Islington, North London, 1985: with its so-called ‘loony left’ council, it is a magnet for radical political activity and social innovation in London. Here Franchi’s Locks and Tools in Holloway does a roaring trade every Friday afternoon, selling wire cutters to scores of women, as they prepare to head down the M4 to show solidarity towards their Sisters at the peace camp at Greenham Common. If they can’t make it down to Greenham, perhaps because they’re attending benefits for the Nicaragua/ Chile/ El Salvador Solidarity campaigns, or are marching through London’s streets with Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament or the Anti-Apartheid movement, they can read all about it in Spare Rib magazine, bought from the feminist bookshop Sisterwrite on Upper Street.
You can’t kill the spirit, but you can cut the wire: Greenham Common Women’s Peace Camp
The Manor Gardens Centre, Islington, 1985: Michael Jones is running a unit for young children with severe speech and language delay. He is in the same building that houses The Women’s Therapy Centre and the London Gay Teenagers’ Group. It’s 8.00am on a Monday morning. Michael has just arrived for work and is going to get a very nasty shock, leading to an education in the real ‘essential difference’ between men and women.
I had been at Manor Gardens for 18 months, and it was probably the best job I have ever had. I had two rooms on the first floor; one for ‘work’ and a ‘playroom’ with a sand tray, paints, a train set and a home corner. One morning Brian the manager called me into his office and asked me to do him a massive favour. In two months’ time the Centre would host an exchange visit from a group of teenagers with disabilities from Finland. Would I mind giving up my playroom for a week, so that it could be used as a ‘base’ for the Finnish social workers who were leading the group? The previous year my playroom had been used as an office-cum-common room for a few Dutch social workers, and as there had been no hitches with that arrangement it seemed only natural to agree straight away. “No problem Brian,” I immediately replied, and then promptly forgot to put the date in my diary.
Have you ever been in a car that enters a long skid on an icy road? Time seems to slow down and, as if in a dream, and no matter what you do, the forces of Nature take over. That was my perception on that fateful morning, as I opened the door to my playroom and came face to face (and other body parts) with 10 nude female Finnish social workers.
Kate Bush. (Warning! This video contains strobe lighting and a bass player with a very dodgy mullet)
I should have known what was coming my way. My Dad had recently led a delegation of health workers to northern Finland, and on the first evening found himself nude in a sauna with all of his male Finnish hosts. (This led him to open his speech the following day with the quip, ‘All men are born equal, but it seems that in Finland some men are more equal than others!’) As if in slow motion, the women encircled me and each one shook my hand and introduced herself. They were all laughing their heads off as I tried to head out of the door, only to bump into Brian, who had rushed up the stairs, ostensibly to see what all the commotion was about. (Brian had already met the women but, as befits a true English gentleman, he insisted on shaking them all by the hand again.)
That evening all the Centre staff were invited to a special dinner in honour of our new-found Finnish friends. I sat next to Aava, and we embarked on a conversation that would change my thinking about women forever.
Aava was intrigued to know why all the children I worked with were boys. This question had occurred to me, but in those days there was an assumption, at least in our part of North London, that to highlight differences between boys and girls and men and women would undermine the female struggle for equality. Aava thought this was, quite frankly, (and she was quite frank about everything) ridiculous. “Of course there are differences! Instead of wasting our time arguing about what they are, we should encourage women and girls to explore what it is that makes them ‘essentially female.’ “
Aava could see from my puzzled expression that I had no idea what she was talking about, so began to explain that the fundamental difference between men and women concerns our reproductive systems. “You mean men can’t have babies and women can?” Aava could see that she was going to have her work cut out with me.
“It’s not just about physiology. Women’s reproductive systems influence everything that we are: emotionally, creatively, sexually and spiritually. The moon is a major force in women’s lives.”
“But what has this got to do with me, as a man working with children?”
“Because you have a partner, you have a daughter, you have women colleagues and you work with the mothers of the children you support. Surely these are good enough reasons for you to try and broaden your understanding of women?”
I felt quite ashamed at my ignorance and the next day after work rushed down to Sisterwrite to make enquiries about which books would broaden my understanding of women. The woman behind the counter was sceptical at first, but when I explained why I was looking for literature on what makes women essentially female, she immediately insisted I buy two major books. They were Our Bodies Ourselves and The Wise Wound.
Both books were, quite frankly, total eye-openers. As you will see from the reviews in the link to The Wise Wound, it was the first book to explore what I now consider to be the key ‘essential difference’ between men and women. The book explores the nature of women’s ‘Moon Cycle’ and its influence on women’s creativity, emotions, spirituality and sexuality.
But what, you might be asking yourself, has this subject, which for many people is at worst a taboo and at best strictly off-limits for men, got to do with me – as a man and as a writer about children’s language? Quite a lot actually. I have been researching the recent literature on supposed differences between girls and boys and men and women, as background reading for my book on children’s language development. In the 30 years since my conversation with Aava, there have been huge advances in technology, including how to scan brains and monitor brain activity while men and women are involved in various activities. But judging from what men are writing about women, there seems to have been no advance in their understanding of what is really important. And I’m not just talking about ‘pop psychology’ books like Men are From Mars: Women are From Venus. Take Simon Baron-Cohen’s book The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth About Autism. The whole premise of this book is that male and female brains are fundamentally different, and suggests that autism is a manifestation of the ‘extreme male brain’. This argument, which in my opinion is as negative about men as it is about women, has proved to be extremely popular (with men, I have to say).Over the years, I have heard Baron-Cohen’s work being cited (by men, I have to say) to explain why women are more empathetic than men and ‘hard wired’ to be more socially aware, which therefore makes women better able to look after young children than men. It also apparently explains why women are rubbish at parking cars and measuring things, and why men are altogether better at maths, science and technology.
My interest in sex and gender differences in children also includes trying to understand the phenomenon of selective mutism. (‘Sex’ being how we are biologically male or female, and ‘gender’ referring to a culture or society’s assumptions about how males and females should behave.) Children with selective mutism, the majority of whom are girls, are able to talk at home, but are often completely silent when at nursery or in school. Some of these girls are able to find their voice when they are 10 or 11, or when they transfer to secondary school.
Girls often seem to undergo a complete psychological transformation as they reach puberty and enter adolescence. Could one of the major factors that influences these positive changes in some girls with selective mutism be the powerful forces at work as they move towards adolescence and embrace adulthood? (‘Puberty’ is the process of physical changes by which adolescents reach sexual maturity, i.e. become capable of reproduction, while ‘adolescence’ is the period of psychological and social transition between childhood and adulthood.) Might part of the reason for their improved communication be that they have been able to embrace their transformation in a positive way, including becoming more self-confident about their identity and social skills?
I never saw Aava after our initial meetings, but have her to thank for helping me understand girls and women a bit better. I think if we were to meet again she would recommend a newer book: Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: The complete guide to women’s health and wellbeing.
What are your view?
Ólöf Arnalds: She belongs to Me (From Iceland, but that’s as near to Finland as I could get)
Take care out there
Michael
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4xoxFrRA2Q
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Thanks for this post Michael. Some really thought-provoking stuff in here.
Hi Trevor
Great to hear from you! I have just been asked a question about this post that you may know the answer to… If we assume that the essential difference is to do with our reproductive systems, then has anything been written about men and the influence our reproductive systems have on us?
I have some thought on this
Hope to hear some more from you!!
Michael
As far as reproductive systems go…I am convinced that modern lifestyles (and educational practices) are not conducive to the amount of testosterone flowing around boys and men’s bodies. I believe that this is cause of much anti-social and violent and potentially violent behaviour. We could extend this to an overdose of testosterone causing male posturing in politics and the need to exert power and even leading to war. Better stop before I go too far! African saying – “The young men of the village must be initiated and tested (i.e learn to control their hormonal drives – my comment!)) otherwise they will burn down the village”.
Ah, yes, testosterone! Is this the place I should explore? Is there an equivalent to the classic ‘The Wise Wound’ that explores the history of testosterone and what happens when men are allowed to explore creating harmony between their minds, emotions, spirituality and bodies, including understanding and harnessing the ebb and flow of testosterone, and the impact this has on creativity?
The search is on!!
Many thanks John!
Great Dylan song! I still sing and play it for myself sometimes… and Kate bush is always good. Thanks for the post Michael, some very interesting propositions and the underlying theme at the end. It is so easy (and sometimes necessary) to use generalisations (or pre-existing constructs) about people in our thinking and actions…and the same problems occur with gender as with disability. We’re surprised when a child with autism doesn’t behave as we expect a child with autism to behave or a person in a wheelchair starts to ‘expect’ access to a shop or service (rather than beg for it). You have pointed out the mind-body connection and thus the influence of male and female physiology on thinking. In Eastern terms the neck is called ‘The Pillar of Heaven’ indicating that in Yoga and other Eastern martial arts the mind-body connection has long been accepted. There is also much to be considered as to whether the ‘difference’ is really hard wired (neurological/genetic) or soft wired (neurological/social/behavioural/cognitive). The classic caricature of girls growing up talking a lot and developing dexterity and boys running around hitting things with sticks, although crude, has some element of truth. We look at a child and their physical gender causes a change in adults behaviour, treating them slightly (or greatly) different … and so differences to a great extent are also ‘grown’, I suspect. Communication and physical/social interactions also changing cognitive and neurological structures.
Great blog Michael – lots of food for thought… but its now time for real food, dinner is on the table! Good wishes, John.
Hi John! Thank you for your reply. Yes… yoga… Mind/body connection… This, among other things is what Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove were looking towards in their book The Wise Wound. There is a powerful section that rejects mainstream (and essentially male) medicine’s approach to ‘managing’ ‘women’s problems’. The authors suggest an approach that connects a woman’s mind, emotions, spiritual development to their monthly cycle, and how this impacts on their creativity.
But what happens when men do this? Do we have a male equivalent to the ‘Moon Cycle’?
I have a feeling that you can point me in the right direction!
Best wishes from Michael
The blog post is really great. I love how entertaining and informative it is. As a women, I also appreciate that the post asks questions and doesn’t claim to have all of the answers. I also love that the idea that you have to explore the “essential difference” through women’s reproductive systems rather than our brains came to you by talking to a woman. I would be interested if there is a way to compare men’s cycles and the way that they think to their female counterparts. I feel that if we are asserting that there is a difference than we should compare and contrast rather than just examine women. The reason that I feel that this is important is because men have been asserting that women’s cycles effects their ability to perform tasks in an inferior way compared to men for thousands of years. I feel that if we are going to compare women in this way we should also look at men’s cycles as well and acknowledge that those cycles exist.
Hi Nova!! I think you are absolutely right!!! I need some guidance on this, so if anybody out there could help me find some books about the male experience that are as insightful as ‘The Wise Wound’, ‘Our Bodies Ourselves’ or ‘Women’s Bodies: Women’s Wisdom’ then I think I will be a better man for having read them!
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. Please share it around!!!
Michael